Okay, so i know most of you don't care (if anybody even reads this anymore) but i really need to talk to someone and as there's no one to accually listen to me, i'm offload onto you guys. Sorry. :)

Where to start... I guess summer? Or before that? I don't know. It's been going on for ages. To make it easier i'll split it into sections. It will make it easier to seperate in my head.

School

Since starting year 11 teachers have gone medevil on us, i swear. I have so much coursework to do i don't even have time to pee anymore. No joke. Tonight i have Child development, History, Maths, English, Sociology, Chemistry, and Physics! This is like every night, not just over weekends either. It's mostly all coursework so it's really important if i wanna get into med school. If we miss a deadline we get instant detentions now, before we got a chance to hand it the next day at least. How the hell are we suposed to get all that done? So stressed.

Parents

OMG. I really hate my parents. They are homophobic, racist, hyprocrites. They keep making fun of me and my friends and telling me i'm not good enough for anything. They keep telling me i'm to stupid to do what i want and to give up now and then telling me it's my own fault when i fail. I see they only have 3 GCSE's between them! No fucking wonder i'm a retard. They just stress me out generally. I'm planning on ditching them as soon as i move out.

Girlfriend

I really want a GF. I'm sick of being lonely. I want someone to accaully love me for once. But really, there are NO lesbian 15/16 year olds. Anywhere. Ever. Also i only ever fall in love with people that are unobtainable. I hate it. Why can't i like someone with a slight chance of likeing me back? It's always celebs or teachers or someone older than me. Not by much, i'm not a freak. People in their 20's normally. I hate my life. 

Friends

Okay... This is the complicated part. Last year i fell out with a friend. Lets call them... 'Jess'. It was over something stupid but what really annoyed me was the fact that it wasn't the first time and it wasn't likely to be the last time Jess did something like that. Randomly taking my stuff and stopping me trying to revise when i was already worried about my exam. I got angry, shouted and walked off. The school forced us to be friends again. No joke. My form teacher had a go at me. The people in L8 (or parstral support as they like to be known) had a go at me, insulted me and wouldn't leave me alone till i agreed to forgive her. I shouldn't have to like someone i hate just to get teachers off my back should i? But i did. It's not as if i could just hang out with other people because all my best friends hang out in one group. Now this year. Jess has been really annoying me for ages. I never wanted to be friends again in the first place. She just pisses me off. She shouts at you for anything. If you don't agree with her about something, anything, she will get annoyed. Like, if i liked a T.V show and she didn't she would shout at me and tell i don't know what i'm talking about and everyone hates it and that only retards watch it. Is there any need for that? No, i didn't think so. She is always so competitive. If you're injured she has to get hurt worse. If you have alot of homework, she has to have more. She'll even lie so she sounds worse off. I mean WTF? So i told her that that isn't how you treat your friends and if it was then i didn't want to be her friend. Well, i text her that but yeah. I haven't been talking to her for a while now. A week or so ago, i think it was 2 weeks accually, whatever, her mum come in the school and told someone about it. Our whole group got called to L8. They were all talking and arguing about what happened while i just sat there. I mean i was shaking, i was so... i don't even know. I was really angry that L8 were getting involved again. I could see last year happening again. I was gonna cry. Then the teacher started saying that it was obviously my fault and that i was childish and stuff. I just walked out and went to cry in the toilets. If you really wanna know i cut. At school. Haven't done it in a public place for a while. Anyway. Now yesterday our form teacher told me that i need to apologize because Jess is stuborn and quite self opinionated so it was up to me to make the friendship work again. Umm, i don't want it to. He didn't get that, so today he brought us cookies and tried to get us to talk. She tried to talk to me because she doesn't know what she's done wrong. It would be a mission to explain it. I mean how can you tell someone that their personality irritates you? That just lowers it to bitcheness doesn't it? I didn't bother, i just walked out for a bit. I seem to be doing that alot recently. Now i hang out with Paige at lunch and break. She was in our group but took my side. Kelly took my side too but spends her lunch and break with her boyfriend. Paige (different paige, there are two, it gets confusing) took Jess's side. I'm still friends with her but she spends her with Jess. If i wanna talk to her i have to email her or go on MSN. Thats ok. I don't wanna force her to not be friends with Jess, cos it's really none of my business. People can like whoever they want. It's just i don't know how i feel about her still being my friend. She was quite two faced when we were talking to the people in L8. I dunno. Thats a bit harsh. I guess she wasn't really. Not at all accually. I just can't work out why she lied and didn't tell the truth. Oh well. I guess i'm not worth the truth anyway so it doesn't matter. I've been on my own most of this week because paige (the one who took my side) has been ill. I have got other friends but i feel kinnda like i'm not welcome when they're with their other frineds. I no they don't mind but i feel like that anyway because i'm weird i guess. Urrg. Paige (Jess's paige) just emailed me and... It's not her fault but i'm so annoyed with her. Why? Me paige and paige were gonna meet at mine tomorrow and it was my turn to bring the food because paige brought it last time. We agreed on this. Paige just said can we go to hers on sunday instead and she's got food as well. Wait till the last minute to tell me why dont you? fuck! why am i so angry with her? She just forgot. Thats all. It doesn't make me feel any better. I'm being way to harsh on her, none of this is her fault. :( I just can't help it, as much as i'm trying.

Cutting

You prob guess from what i said before that i cut. I stopped but i started again during summer. The whole Jess thing and my parents, now my coursework. I just feel shit at the moment. I have a cold and am so tired all the time. I need someone to help me but there is no one i can ask. My friends don't get it, and if they did there's nothing they can really do. I need a therapist or someone. But my parents cannot ever know. They hate people who cut. They insult them and think they deserve to feel how they do. The fact i'm their child won't stop them. I know this. There's no one else i can talk to. L8 are useless. When i want help (I did last year with something else) they do fuck all but when people (Jess) go running to them they accaally try to help. I am quite scared of what i might do to be honest.  I've thought about it. I mean really thought about it. There aren't any pills in my house and i can't swallow tablets so thats out. I was this far away from drinking nail polish remover but didn't. If it didn't work my parents would know about the cutting and hate me. I don't mind them hating me as such, i hate them. It's more the insults that i don't like. They make me feel so much worse.

SORRY. I KNOW NO ONE CARE BUT HAD TO TELL SOMEONE. AND SORRY IF I'VE OFFENED ANYONE. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I HAD NO WHERE ELSE TO WRITE. I WON'T BE READING ANY COMMENTS FOR THIS POST.